Tuesday, November 10, 2020

(Stories) Expenses for wedding is should be Happy right? but seem like is not...


I am a Chinese guy who is planning to marry my gf. I recently proposed to my girlfriend and we are planning for the wedding now. As we progress further, I realized that there are more unexpected costs that we need to fork out (more specifically, the guy will has to fork up for majority of it). As the figure get bigger and bigger, I feel more uneasy and not comfortable.

In my understanding, marriage was suppose to be something wonderful, where both parties work together toward a better future. However when I was being told the "cultures of marriage", it literally stunned me and renewed my understanding. Just to quote a few sentences from my gf:

1. "Guy should have no say on the planning etc (e.g. pre-wedding photographer), by right the guy should just pay for whatever requests the girl make."
Marriage is between two persons, I don't understand why she said that... is it supposed to be an event where only she's happy but not you?
Besides, after marriage, you both you will living together and sharing the expenses; it only makes sense to me that she tries to save your money, discuss everything together, what kind of event, how many tables, wedding planner package and whatnot... All that has a price and it's easier also if both help to find a good deal. For example, my brother's wife has a good friend who's a photographer -- he volunteered as the photographer for their big day, got his camera lens run over by a car, and still did not charge a cent. Salute.

2. "I will not accept too low a wedding offer. The market standard is RM10k, and I will not accept anything lower. I am not that cheap"

3. When I asked for wedding offer indication, the reply I receive was "girl side normally doesn't indicate the budget, the figure solely depends on the sincerity of the guy family. Some people rm10k, some rm20k."
Based on (2), I guess you can only cry to her that 10k is all you can fork out or you'll have to postpone the marriage (or worse...), since you still need to cover for so many other things. Marriage shouldn't be something that depresses you, it should be happy...

4. "Don't tell me that you only plan to marry me with a diamond ring?" She wants to have another necklace or bracelet too.
Oookay well I think it's possible to find cheap ones that still look good, but... I doubt she'd accept. Tough luck :|

5. "I will want to have two wedding dinners, one in your home town and one in mine. When my family and friends visit your hometown for the wedding dinner, the hotel and other expenses will be paid by the guy side"
I don't know the full cost, but I know both my siblings opted for a single wedding dinner and invited friends and relatives from other states. My brother also arranged homestay for close relatives/friends for an overnight stay so we could also go out enjoy some food before the big day. Everyone happily and willingly came to witness the happy union of two individuals in love.
Also, both their weddings were contributed by both sides, and angpows also given to the respective sides. If you're lucky, the angpows can cover the cost for the wedding dinner, but if you have to bear 100% cost AND the angpows on female side goes back to female, then I'm sorry, your pocket's gonna bleed real bad.

6. "When your family comes to visit my family to discuss about the details, you can submit a list to my mum, mentioning all the items that your side will gift to my family. For example, roast pig, big biscuits etc. If my mother deem anything missing, she will highlight to you".
Is this for 过大礼? the gifting session or something like that? Best if you fully comply to your future MIL lah, I think this is not too much of a big deal, but different families have different "level of tradition" - depending on how uptight they are with the traditions, they may want you to provide very specific things that will be tedious to find. Some families are okay with a simple big angpow to cover for whatever missing. For example, in this day and age, purposely buying a baby's potty bowl? tamtung?  sweat.gif might be waste of space and money... then can opt for angpow of equivalent value, and so on....

It is futile for me to discuss about this issue with my gf. I tried to voice out my opinion that "time is bad, I prefer if we can spend less on the wedding". I am sure many guys can relate, it didn't end well. "You told me that you have saving, that's why I said yes to you!", this answer broken my heart. Yes, I have saving, but it doesn't mean I shall deplete all my saving immediately. There are more things coming after the wedding, we need to spend on house, children, their education, standby for job loss etc.

Honestly, no more fantasy left for me to fantasize about wedding anymore. I see it as something hideous, trying to kill young people and new family. This might be a norm which everyone finds it normal but I find it hard to swallow.

Any suggestion or insight for me? I find it wrong for me to think so badly of marriage, we have yet to walk to first step!

Am I being too cheap? 

Erm.. well i cant comment so much as im still single but im sure there will be some solutions that can be help ? or maybe the timing now is not really good due still got covid19 + now is cmco in malaysia. I think the best is the correct timing so that everything will be smooth and nice.

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